Dancing Star

Friday, December 09, 2016

What I'm Wearing
Badged Denim Jacket (Guess)
Dark Denim Jeans (Industrie)

One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. The time of the most despicable man is coming, he that is no longer able to despise himself ...


I went away for a while. Did a little thinking. Did a little traveling. Saw parts of the world I always wanted to see. Got a new job. Graduated. Met a few crazy people. Did more crazy things. All this was a culmination of a moment I had when I was 19. I was so gravely unhappy with who I was and where I was heading. There was literally nothing about myself I liked, nothing I did that I really enjoyed - just some inner chaos I wanted to rid myself of. A quarter life crisis I called it. So I embarked on a journey to remove that inner chaos.

I was scared of almost everything ... So I took a sheet of paper, wrote 23 on it and then listed all the things I wanted to accomplish in 4 years. Sprawled on it were personals goals that I would make meaningful connection with others, have a successful and fulfilling career, get fit and find creative outlets. Accomplishment should do it I thought.

Fashion was part of that journey, and when I started blogging, I wanted to position myself as the lens to highlight the fashion, as if I was the hanger. My love for fashion orbited around my appreciation of the madness of designers and finesse of manufacturers ... but the clothes were never about the person in them. I jumped from style to style, got bored eventually, and forgot why I fell in love with fashion in the first place ... and that is the way it made it feel when I walked into a party and I didn't have the confidence to speak to anyone, but I knew I had my denim jacket with me so it didn't fucking matter what they thought.

Now I've hit 23, I've ticked off almost everything on that list and everyone says I've changed, and I have, but somehow, I feel exactly the same on the inside. I was waiting for that climactic moment in any bildungsroman when the protagonist suddenly comes to some kind of great epiphany that drives them to some eternal life path ... but it never came.

All these things I had done, all these people I had met, all these places I had seen, and I somehow still felt that deep dark insatiable chaos inside and I began to realise it was always a part of me and had driven me to the most exciting places in my life. This was not a chaos of sadness, but one of purposeful discontentment, one of always wanting to find more, a chaos of understanding possibility.

Now, I relish the chaos, because that is life as I knew it and I love what it means for me.

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