We've all been here: you know that watershed moment when you're about to say something you really want to, or you're really wanting to introduce yourself to someone - but you shy away. At these times, we are used to looking down at our phone or any other way to seem distracted and indifferent.

Thereafter, its just you, alone in your head, basking in the unpleasant and sad solitude of what could have been, which for now has slipped away. And why do we do this to ourselves?

Well, our brains are computing what may be gained and what may be lost. I know you are scared of having your thoughts and ideas shut down or you think you might garner a bad reaction from someone - and I have the same fear - but is that really a tangible loss for us?


Think about it, if you were to share an idea or reach out to someone, and they were to shut that idea or you down, then that idea or connection for that moment was never meant to be anyway, right? Yes, you get that bad feeling for a moment, but there is no material loss to your life. You don't lose anything in giving for a moment.

I was so conditioned to hating even the thought of this feeling of failure or rejection that I never tried to speak up or reach out to people. That is why for 22 out of the 25 years of my life, absolutely nothing happened. And I would think my life to that point would have been an absolute waste of time, if not for the lesson it taught me to dare to be hurt.

So how do we work against this internalised form of anxiety? Well if you look at how they clinically treat anxiety, therapists subject patients to what they call exposure therapy - which is the exposure of the patient in a controlled environment to what gives them the anxiety in the first place. Over time, they are conditioned to believe that their imagined fear is actually less of a real danger to them in reality - to the point that it becomes bearable and hopefully in the long run is no longer a danger at all.

For me, I took baby steps and first started to just make friends with people online, then I slowly moved on to growing friendships and being vocal with just the closest friends that I really really trusted. I'm still working on it now, and sometimes still have a hard time, but over time I developed the ability to push through the fear - and dare to be hurt.

And I say dare to be hurt, moreso than dare to be vulnerable, because is includes the recognition that you truly expect that it's going to hurt sometimes - people are always going to hurt and reject you no matter who you are - I get it all the time. So for that moment when we feel rejected, we don't let that be a surprise because we were prepared for it and we let it build our emotional callous so we are even more vulnerable and powerful for the next time.

Long story short, I traveled to LA from Sydney not simply for the purpose of the vacation, but with the intention of meeting someone I believed was the love of my life at the time. But human promises are not eternal or golden, and after I came home to Sydney, the world had lost a bit of magic. When someone tells you they love you, and then proceed to threaten to harm you if you leave, you should know they are lying.